


white oleander

by antiquescissors



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: F/F, POV Second Person, idk i'm so bad at tags, there's very little romance but. i mean. it's there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-15 02:12:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14781663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antiquescissors/pseuds/antiquescissors
Summary: One might think you cruel, but you knew as certainly as you know that you will die that you had to do it.





	white oleander

**Author's Note:**

> i just suddenly got inspiration and wrote this spontaneously and with little editing. and it shows.

She walked in on you while you were changing. So you yelled at her. 

She had such a smug look on her face, too. You could tell just from her expression that she was glad to catch you in the compromising position that she did, and you hated her all the more for it. It's funny; you don't notice so much when you're wearing a shirt, but when you're not, you can see how your stomach jolts when you're surprised.

It's not like you were only shirtless either--you were completely naked. Your swimsuit was laid out on the bed, ready for you to put on. You're a quick changer. If she had come in just thirty seconds later...if she had been delayed by anything at all...

It wasn't as though it was the first time anyone had seen you naked, and not physically. No boy had ever seen you naked. There was one boy, though, that had seen you emotional (which, to you, was worse). He was on the tip of your tongue...oh, well. The real issue was that Rei had never, ever been naked. Not emotionally, and maybe not even physically. Maybe she changed underneath her clothes somehow, always keeping a barrier between herself and the outside world. A couple of people have seen you cry. In fact, you used to cry often as a child, but it doesn't matter now; now, you've built up a new persona. One that doesn't cry, nor is she sure that she even knows how to cry, anymore. It's silly. Sometimes it does kind of piss you off that people have seen you cry. That there might be someone out there who knows what you look like crying. 

If Rei was seeing you naked, why, then, were you so far apart? You had assumed that, in seeing a person like that, one might grow closer to them rather than farther away. Unless, of course, you were disgusted by their emotion--by their body. Unless, of course, their nakedness was ugly to you. 

That's probably what happened, then. She's seeing you naked, and still you're so far away, because she's repulsed by you. 

You tried to reverse the situation in your head, and you thought, how would I have dealt with this? The truth is, you would have rushed out of the room. Maybe you would even have apologized for seeing her like that in the first place, because, after all, Rei was never naked. But Rei was not doing either of those things. She was staring at you, and it burned you up inside to know that she could never, never in a million years show the emotion and compassion that you could. And that was saying something. 

You would have apologized. 

Stupid of you. Maybe you just pitied her. 

Maybe this was why you'd lost everything. Maybe it wasn't chance, or even fate; maybe it was because everyone had seen you naked. Because they didn't like what they saw.

Standing in front of her, skin prickling with goosebumps, you could have killed her. But you didn't. There was an expression on her face, cold and robotic, almost doll-like, and you knew that you had to kill it. You knew that it had to be replaced by shock. 

So you yelled at her. You screamed so loudly that it definitely woke up some bastard taking an afternoon nap. You screamed at her to get out in a screeching voice that didn't belong to you, one that belonged to some distressed, demonic creature. You twisted your face into the most grotesque expression you could think of, hoping it would repel her even more. Your voice began to grind on your ears, yet still you persevered. You continued until your ears ached with the sandpaper-esque quality of your own voice.

One might think you cruel, but you knew as certainly as you know that you will die that you had to do it. Because underneath all those discordant sounds spilling from your mouth was your heartbeat. If she heard you scream or even cry, that was okay, because everyone always saw you scream and cry. Your heartbeat was slippery and hot, and it pounded like heavy footsteps in your chest. You knew that it wasn't because of fear, or even shock. You knew why your heart beat, and you knew why you had to see her expression slip--seeing her shock, it was a little like she was naked, too. 

Nothing had ever been more clear to you than the insistent, messy noise of it. You knew. If she heard you scream and cry, that was okay, because that's nothing but noise; if she heard your heartbeat, she would know. And then you would really be naked. 


End file.
